That kid doesn't know who he's messing with.

He actually had the balls to write back:

che.g....@h.....com wrote:
i actually like your big ass. i find it enticing. and by the way, i have a
doctoral degree; that means i don't need to look words like "copulate" up
in the dictionary. i also don't frequent prostitutes, although that's not
such a ridiculous suggestion, considering i am chiefly interested in sex and
have little patience for insignificant, banal chatter.

no hard feelings,
che

And because you can't stop me once I'm started:

"Che", (I can't believe you of all people would presume to take the name of the great revolutionary icon? Seems rather insulting.)

Your grammar and tendancy to write like e.e. cummings sure do scream doctoral degree (though your profile lists you as holding a masters...?). Let me guess...a philosophy Ph.D.? I bet I can discern more about you...let me keep guessing....a philosophy Ph.D. who lives with his parents....and from the desire to avoid conversation and your charming emails, I'll also make the wild guess that you have absolutely no social skills and that's why you've turned to internet dating. Am I right or am I right?

Yeah- no hard feelings- though everyone I know will now have your email and your screen name and your picture and they'll be ready to reject you, just like I did, if you try to contact them. And I know everyone.

Here's the straight, unsarcastic truth- don't list yourself as looking for "friends or activity partners" and then flip around and proposition someone. It's just really, really tacky.

Bye, now.

I just wish I was this snappy in person.

He's a "Thinker"!

I just re-read his profile:
His occupation is 'Thinker' (really! I shit you not!!), he says he has a masters degree (in what? Jackassary and e.e.cummings' grammar?), and he doesn't do drugs, drink or smoke. And he's 31.

And this is my favorite part, in light of all this:
Why You Should Get to Know Me
i prefer motion to stillness. reading, writing, playing music, thinking. i conceive things through revolutionary terms and naturally gravitate towards others who do so as well. i find nurturing a relationship with my physical body essential. i like to cook, enjoy red wine, foreign films, abstract expressionism, string quartets. often, i find myself looking at the sky for long periods of time.

More About What I Am Looking For
i value people who reflect, who regard thought as important for its own sake. i'm attracted to readers, creative people, and those attuned to their bodies.

I must not have actually read his profile before. It sounds like a joke! He finds himself "looking at the sky for long periods of time." Okaaaayyy.

And I think "nurturing a relationship with my physical body" is totally a euphemism for non-stop jacking off.

Iconoclast

This is "Iconoclast1". His email is che.g....@h.....com . He's an ass.
Read on and please feel free to pass his info on so no one else has to deal with his jackassery!

His first email to me, through the dating site:
your profile is refreshingly odd. what's it like being a burlesque star? lots of fans? sex?
denver is boring. people here watch too much football. if you'd like to take a midnight bikeride or root through dumpsters sometime, let me know.

Not too bad- the sex thing was stupid, but I liked the rest- though he did send that cheezy pict of him streatched out in his boxer shorts.

We email back and forth a bit- then I don't hear from him. I write him off until he asks if we can get together for a drink. I tell him I have Wed free and he writes this:

are you available wednesday at noon for cocktails and copulation?

I responded with a simple "Nope." since, not only am I not available, there's really no fucking way.

A couple of days passed and I figured he understood that I wasn't interested. Turns out he understood and was pissed off at my reaction. And decided to call me stupid and fat because I rejected him:
i'm surprised you know what the word "copulation" signifies. sure you are a
writer--the same way i'm the president, no doubt.

good luck, fat ass

I thought about just letting it go- moving on- and not wasting any more time on him. However, I just couldn't resist:

How many days did it take you to come up with that stunning response? You must be so proud! Even prouder than the moment that you used the thesaurus to look up a fancy word for fucking to try and impress me. Good job fella!

You should try throwing that word around on Colfax- those ladies are less likely to reject you and make you cry like I did (as long as you have the cash!).

Oh- and it was very nice to meet you, Mr. President...
http://denverlibrary.org/programs/woman/burlesque.html
http://westword.com/search/results.php?keywords=michelle+baldwin
http://www.gogomagazine.com/0416/dining.html

I'll leave you with a picture of the "fat ass" you might have had- if you weren't a total neanderthal (that means "Primitive man" or "Jerk". Didn't want you to have to try and look that one up too!).


I totally love internet dating! :P

Oh, Oh, Delilah!

A few years ago I used to write a column that was very fun to write, but that I pretty much felt was putting me on a slippery slope to hell. I wrote a column called Delilah Delish: Date and Dine where I reviewed both the restaurant and the date. I'd been doing a fair amount of silly, useless internet dating that had, for the most part, been an awful waste of time. So I thought I'd be able to recoup some of my loss with a $50 a week column. Then I never got paid. Only 4 were published:
Cruise Room
Sushi Uokura
Cuba Cuba
and
The Keg Steakhouse
though I wrote 5. I held the last one over their heads demanding payment that never came. The paper folded just a few months later.

I tried to "protect the innocent" by mixing up details and changing the names. But it still felt kind of dirty. Most of the guys were just kind of lame, not harmful or mean. They were just looking for love and unfortunately met judgemental and picky ol' me.

So I left Delilah behind, pulling her out as a fun story about my alter-ego. However, recently I started internet dating again, and it seems like it might be time to bring her out again. Even if it's just for my own amusement.